I wrote the following nine months ago, but my bride to be did not want me to air this column for fear of tempting fate. Since I am now married it is okay to air this column.
I think I've made clear to all of you that too many people listen to this station. What I mean is that if I say anything on this station, I'd better be ready for the fact that a lot of people will know, and remember what I said. For instance, at the last Bayside Traveller's dance a ten year old boy said to me--in the middle of a dance--I heard your talk where you said you were not going to retire from the college. I was stunned. A ten year old boy heard my talk--and remembered it--and remembered to tell me.
So here I go again, revealing what I should not reveal. I am getting married this summer -- July 17th to be precise -- and I am getting married to a British lady, a lady I met while dancing in England. Of course she is a dancer. How could I possibly get married to anyone who is not a dancer. I tell all of you this because of the astonishing responses we are both receiving.
It was not that long ago when the immediate response would have been, "Congratulations. I am so happy for you." Of course some people still respond that way, but a great many people--many, many people--are responding with, "Are you sure you want to do that?" Or, Shouldn't you live together for awhile before you do that? Or, Why in heavens name are you choosing to do that?
Wow. We've come a long way. Skepticism, doubt, derision--full scale laughter is the response we are getting. Don't do that, is the response we are getting. You are crazy to do that, is the response we are getting. My fiance's colleagues at work are making jokes about her behind her back. They are saying all kinds of odd things, and she knows they are because she was just told they are saying things, but she was not told precisely what they are saying.And though my good friends immediately congratulate me and are pleased for me, a little while later they let me know that perhaps I'm not doing the right thing. That perhaps I should wait and think hard before I do such a strange thing as marry.
Wow. We have come a long way from the belief that unmarried people living together is a sin. Nowadays the advice is don't get married, live together. We have come a long way from "Congratulations."
But finally neither I nor Jacqui--that's her name--care about what others say. We know that what we are doing is right for us and we also know that what we are doing involves an element of risk. But strangely, this firm decision to marry is not restricting us, it is making us feel freer. We are not spending hours agonizing over the question should I, shouldn't I. The decision has been made: we are getting married.
What if it doesn't work? What if we find out, God forbid, that we are not compatible. Well then at that point, we'll make a further decision. No decision is irreversible. Given what we know--and we feel we know a great deal about the other, we think this is the right decision, and we love the fact that making the decision has freed us up enormously. We are joyfully planning a wedding.
Meanwhile what is so fascinating is how people nowadays respond to a wedding announcement: not "Congratulations," but "are you sure you want to do THAT?"
Copyright © 2004 Henry Morgenstein