Often, during the process called wooing, people do not reveal their true self.. When we were wooing, my wife-to-be phoned me often. I was in the U.S.A. She was in England. We had met at a dance in England. I was still working in the U.S.A. She was still working full time. We emailed a great deal in the early weeks of courtship, but after that she wanted me to phone everyday.
International phone calls are cheap: as little as six dollars an hour and she wanted to talk for an hour.
Long ago I told my kids, and anyone else who engaged me in a conversation, any conversation, over the phone, I told them all that I hated to talk on the phone. You cant see who you are talking to. You cant base what you say on the way what you say is received: you dont see any facial reaction.
I hate small talk. I hate to talk on the phone. And with her, I talked an hour a day virtually everyday for nine months -- until we go together permanently in one house on one continent.
Why did I do it? I did tell her, early on, that I didnt like to talk on the phone -- and I especially didnt like long phone calls. But she loved long phone calls. She like to talk on the phone. And gradually, I relented.
Why not? She likes it. I have nothing better to do. So it costs a $100 a month, $130 a month. If she were over here, with me, Id spend hundreds & hundreds on her -- taking her out to dinner, perhaps sending her flowers. Whats $100 a month.
I did not realize the harm. Not infrequently, she says to me she thought I loved to talk, and now I dont talk much.
I am not much of a talker. I lived alone for fifteen years. Even before that, I didnt like to talk to people. I kept to myself.
I did not realize that a great deal of her image of me came from those hour long phone calls -- for nine months, daily, every single day.
And we wrote many emails. I have always been good at talking to people when people are not there -- these radio talks, letters via email.
I did not mean to deceive; I did mean to try to please. What is courtship: trying to get the other to like you because you like them. So you try to please. And I said what harm can there be from me talking to her for an hour a day. We do need to get to know each other. we do need to talk and we are six thousand miles apart.
But I unconsciously deceived when I tried to please. I do not talk much in our marriage. I have heard my thoughts so often -- and the thoughts of my thousand upon thousand students I listened to for over thirty years -- that I dont talk much, dont discuss much, dont want to hear other peoples thoughts, or much about their lives. Ive heard too much
Im talked out, listened out -- but I displayed none of that behavior when she and I were getting to know each other -- during our year long courtship.
Copyright © 2004 Henry Morgenstein