More Compromises

I am writing a series of talks on how married people must learn to compromise.  Here is another problem of mine, another difference between us.

I’ve already said she is the engineer, I am the liberal arts man.  She discusses what needs to be done with the car mechanic.  She asks the intelligent questions, understands the answers.  So I always tell the car mechanic to talk to her, and she is the one who comes to the car mechanic & poses the questions.

I defer to her, but sometimes I grow impatient.

This is complicated.  The car mechanic said he was having a busy day.  We squeezed in at the last moment.  I feel guilty: we are paying very little by todays standards -- $60 -- to have a car we are considering buying assessed, checkout out.  Since he said he was busy, I felt peeved when my wife began her explanation in a roundabout way, by telling a somewhat relevant story about the car.

I jumped on her: get to the point I snapped out, rudely interrupting her.  Okay, okay she said and then proceeded, but to my way of telling she seemed to proceed in a roundabout way.  She was taking too much of this busy mans time

I jumped on her again.  She jumped on me: “Let me tell it my way.”

She is right.  She is right.  We are paying the man.  Questions need to be asked.  And it is proper to approach the central question tangentially.  She has her reasons for moving the way she does.  Yes, she takes up their time, but she asks relevant questions -- questions we need to know.

And she does it gingerly, she is not sure what needs to be said.  She needs to talk, elicit answers, pose thoughts.

And me, the little Jewish man, the kind man, the considerate man, is impatient.  He has his approach.  And it is hard to relinquish his abrupt way of dealing with all hired men.  Don’t ask too many questions.  You won’t understand the answer & the man has other work he needs to do to earn a good living.  So hurry up, let the man go.

No, no, no.  Let her have her way.  Why do you jump on her.  She isn’t taking that much of the man’s time.  Ten minutes?  Fifteen minutes?  You are paying for the man’s expertise.  Don’t just have him deliver his opinion.  Ask a question or two.  Wonder out loud.  Talk about the past history of the car.  Maybe just talking, mentioning, will elicit a comment from the exppert that will make you further understand and perhaps inform you.

I hope you understand that I, the impatient man, understand, but it is so hard to modify one’s behavior, to give the other in a marriage true space to be themselves.

Life, in marriage, is hard.  Compromise is hard.

 

Copyright © 2004   Henry Morgenstein

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